How to keep an idiot busy

How to keep an idiot busy (at least for a couple of minutes)

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Ten Excuses for Missing Work

We’ve all been there. It’s a beautiful day, and you can’t bear the thought of going into work. So you call in with some excuse about feeling ill, but you know in your bones that your boss doesn’t buy it.

The feeling ill excuse is a short-term solution that won’t win you any fans at the office — someone else will have to pick up the slack, or you’ll miss deadlines. And it won’t help your career any. Here are 10 excuses — five smart and five not-so-smart — to help you save face and your sanity.

Smart Excuses

  1. I’ve Earned It: No one can argue with performance. Come in two or three hours early — or stay late — for a week or two. Then negotiate a day off in advance. “Really work when you’re there, so you’ll be able to feel good about taking time off,” says Andrea Nierenberg, president of The Nierenberg Group, a management consulting and personal marketing practice.
  2. I’m Playing Golf with a Client: For this one to work, you’ve got to have a job that requires you to meet and court current and prospective clients. Neil Simpkins, an account executive at Oxford Communications, has used this one successfully. One note of caution: Meet the client; don’t just say you did.

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Cop Reprimanded for Self-Tasering

(by Steven Elbow )



You’d think the offense would be punishment enough.

A Madison police officer was issued a letter of reprimand this month for zapping the officer’s own hand with a Taser, inadvertently sending a massive jolt of electricity through the officer’s body, police disclosed today.

The incident happened on July 31 when the officer, whose name and gender were not disclosed, discharged the non-lethal weapon during a checkout procedure. According to a summary of the investigation issued by Lt. Kristen Roman of the Professional Standards and Internal Affairs office, officers are required to make sure that no air cartridge is loaded before testing the Taser gun, which is done at the start of each shift.

The air cartridge is what forces prongs out from the Taser. When the prongs strike a target, electricity surges through them along attached wires.

The officer’s hand was injured in the incident, police spokesman Joel DeSpain said today.

The Madison Police Department regularly releases reports when officers are reprimanded, but to protect the privacy and reputations of the officers involved, often leaves the officers unnamed.

According to the summary, which was dated Nov. 1, the failure to ensure that the air cartridge was not loaded was a violation of Madison Police Department policy regarding the check-out procedure and constituted a disregard for safety.

Bizarre bank break-in ends in a real mess

Suspect was bored, on drugs, he says

A 16-year-old Wyandotte boy said he wasn’t trying to steal any money when he broke into a bank early Sunday morning, smashed an ATM and wreaked several thousand dollars worth of damage.

But he did make a deposit.

The boy was arrested around 3:40 a.m. Sunday inside the Monroe Bank & Trust, 467 Euclid in Wyandotte. Responding officers found a disturbing scene.

Police said the boy, who already had a pending juvenile court charge of being a minor in possession of alcohol, used a hammer and screwdriver to chisel a cement block from under the ATM machine outside the bank. Then he used a chunk of the concrete to destroy the facing of the ATM. Police said he did not get any money.

The youth also smashed open the rear door of the bank, tried to break into two night security boxes and then made his way to the bank’s second floor, according to a police report filed in juvenile court. There he took off most of his clothing, sat on the railing over the lobby and defecated on the floor below, the report said.

In custody, the boy told officers he was bored and had taken four Xanax pills beforehand. He also tested positive for marijuana when he was admitted to the Wayne County Juvenile Detention Facility.

The youth is being held on $7,500 bond pending a Dec. 6 pretrial hearing in Wayne County juvenile court.

Dumb Bumper Stickers

They didn’t let me out, they just gave me a day pass!

Front Bumper) If you can read this, I didn’t hit you hard enough.

..and i should care, why?

-60 in 15 minutes!

100% Irony- Free.

100,000 Sperm And You Were The Fastest?

186,000 Miles/Second: It’s Not Just A Good Idea, It’s The Law!

3 kinds of people: Those who can count and those who can’t.

7 days with out Jesus makes one weak.

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

A church alive is worth the surprise!

A clean car is a sign if sick mind.

A day without sunshine is like, night.

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.

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Dumb, Stupid Signs

A sign seen on a restroom dryer at O’Hare Field in Chicago: Do not activate with wet hands.
At a car dealership: The best way to get back on your feet? Miss a car payment.
At A Laundry Shop: How about we refund your money, send you a new one at no charge, close the store and have the manager shot. Would that be satisfactory?
At a Music Store: Out to lunch. Bach at 12:30. Offenbach sooner.
At a number of US military bases: Restricted to unauthorized personnel.
At a pizza shop: 7 days without pizza makes one weak.
At a Santa Fe gas station: We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container.
At a tire shop in Milwaukee: Invite us to your next blowout.
At a Towing Company: We don’t charge an arm and a leg. We want tows.
At a Used Car Lot: Second Hand cars in first crash condition.
At an Auto Body Shop: May we have the next dents?
At an optometrist’s office: If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place.
At the electric company: We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don’t, you will be.
At the entrance of the large machinery plant: Warning to young ladies: If you wear loose clothes, beware of the machinery. If you wear tight clothes, beware of the machinist.
Billboard on the side of the road: Keep your eyes on the road and stop reading these signs.
Car Lot: The best way to get on your feet….Miss a car payment.
Church sign: To remove worry wrinkles, get your faith lifted.
Door of a plastic surgeon’s office: Hello. May we pick your nose?
English Sign in German Cafe: Mothers, Please Wash Your Hands Before Eating.
Gym: Merry Fitness and a Happy New Rear!
In a Beauty Shop: Dye now!
In a cafeteria: Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want.
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