A sign seen on a restroom dryer at O’Hare Field in Chicago: Do not activate with wet hands.
At a car dealership: The best way to get back on your feet? Miss a car payment.
At A Laundry Shop: How about we refund your money, send you a new one at no charge, close the store and have the manager shot. Would that be satisfactory?
At a Music Store: Out to lunch. Bach at 12:30. Offenbach sooner.
At a number of US military bases: Restricted to unauthorized personnel.
At a pizza shop: 7 days without pizza makes one weak.
At a Santa Fe gas station: We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container.
At a tire shop in Milwaukee: Invite us to your next blowout.
At a Towing Company: We don’t charge an arm and a leg. We want tows.
At a Used Car Lot: Second Hand cars in first crash condition.
At an Auto Body Shop: May we have the next dents?
At an optometrist’s office: If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place.
At the electric company: We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don’t, you will be.
At the entrance of the large machinery plant: Warning to young ladies: If you wear loose clothes, beware of the machinery. If you wear tight clothes, beware of the machinist.
Billboard on the side of the road: Keep your eyes on the road and stop reading these signs.
Car Lot: The best way to get on your feet….Miss a car payment.
Church sign: To remove worry wrinkles, get your faith lifted.
Door of a plastic surgeon’s office: Hello. May we pick your nose?
English Sign in German Cafe: Mothers, Please Wash Your Hands Before Eating.
Gym: Merry Fitness and a Happy New Rear!
In a Beauty Shop: Dye now!
In a cafeteria: Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want.
“Golden, Ripe, Boneless Bananas, 39 Cents A Pound.”
– Ad in the “Missoulian” by Orange Street Food Farm
“I invented the internet”.
– Al Gore, former U.S. Vice President
“Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing – but none of them serious.”
– Alan Minter, Boxer
“I think that the film Clueless was very deep. I think it was deep in the way that it was very light. I think lightness has to come from a very deep place if it’s true lightness.”
– Alicia Silverstone, Actress
“How to store your baby walker: First, remove baby.”
– Anonymous Manufacturer
“This is no longer a slum neighborhood. I haven’t heard of a Cubs fan being shot in a long time.”
– Anonymous Wrigley Field Neighbor, Chicago, IL
“During the scrimmage, Tarkanian paced the sideline with his hands in his pockets while biting his nails.”
– AP report describing Fresno State basketball coach Jerry Tarkanian
“Two grand slams in a week – man, that’s seven or eight ribbies right there.”
– Bill Madlock, Baseball broadcaster
“You guys line up alphabetically by height.”
– Bill Peterson, Florida State football coach
“Men, I want you just thinking of one word all season. One word and one word only: Super Bowl.”
– Bill Peterson, football coach