100 Ways To Be a Better Asshole

  • Argue with everybody.
  • Touch the paintings at the museum.
  • Get hysterical.
  • Threaten law suits.
  • Insinuate, implicate and insist.
  • If you got it, flaunt it.
  • Eat produce at the grocery store and don’t pay for it.
  • Gamble with the rent money.
  • Record over a borrowed VCR tape
  • Tell people that they are in your will, even if they aren’t.
  • Don’t get caught.
  • Stay directly in front or behind fire trucks and ambulances.
  • When giving out directions, leave out a turn or two.
  • Don’t make up your mind.
  • Improve your posture by walking with your nose in the air.
  • Remind people who lose their job that they should work harder.
  • Talk with your mouth full.
  • Accuse, confuse and refuse.
  • Comment on the weight gain of others.
  • Adjust your nuts (boob) whenever you want.
  • Keep a pile of wisecracks for tense and serious situations.
  • Answer a question with a question.
  • See what it takes for the lifeguard to blow the whistle.
  • Don’t give to charities unless you get something back.
  • Add the straw that breaks the camels back.
  • Clean your finger nails at the dinner table.
  • Tell people what they think they wanna hear.
  • Notice good ideas and pass them on as your own.
  • Put a title like Senator or Doctor before your name when making dinner or hotel reservations.
  • Don’t volunteer for the back seat and never take the middle one.
  • Before exiting the elevator, push all the buttons.
  • Never do anything until you have been asked twice.
  • Put off until tomorrow whatever you can do the day after tomorrow.
  • Spot test “Wet Paint” signs.
  • Go up on the down escalator and vice versa.
  • Dont shower after a hard workout.
  • Lie about your age.
  • Change channels every two seconds
  • Develop at least 3 strategies for cutting if front of a
  • Underline in other peoples books.
  • Slurp your soup.
  • If you can’t think of something nice, say something nasty.
  • Be judgmental.
  • Announce when your going to the bathroom.
  • Read over peoples shoulders on the bus.
  • Ignore deadlines.
  • Revenge is sweet… so get some.
  • Squeeze the toothpaste from the top, and while your at it, leave the cap off.
  • Curse the umpire at a Little League game.
  • When it says “Reserved Parking” that means you.
  • Take the labels off of unopened cans.
  • Cover up your mistakes and pass the blame.
  • Pinch all the chocolate candies until you find the one that you want.
  • Borrow handkerchiefs to blow your nose.
  • When your done with your gum, stick it under the chair.
  • If you do something nice, make sure everyone knows about it.
  • Bribe little kids… cause they’re easy!
  • Put a rude message on someone elses answering machine.
  • Measure people by their money and the clothes they wear.
  • Be ambiguous, it lets you work both sides of the issue.
  • Leave your underwear in the sink.
  • Chew other peoples pencils.
  • Support the death penalty for parking tickets.
  • Get a backseat drivers license.
  • Dish it out, but don’t take it.
  • Be a perfectionist in absolutely everything.
  • Apologize a lot, but don’t change.
  • Change the rules to suit your needs.
  • Put your cigarette out in planters.
  • Wear a shirt thats says ‘Fuck You’ or to that affect.
  • Pull the covers over to your side.
  • Eat cookies or crackers in bed.
  • Let doors slam behind you ? in people’s faces.
  • Repeat yourself.
  • Repeat yourself.
  • Tell your kids ‘How it was..’ back when you were a kid.
  • Vividly describe a hysterectomy to your date before ordering dinner.
  • Scribble your signature on important documents.
  • Use the whole can of starter fluid on the charcoal.
  • Put things back where they don’t belong.
  • Take a colicky baby to the movies.
  • Have belching contests in restaurants.
  • Make the same mistake twice.
  • Pee in the swimming pool.
  • Ride on the shoulder and then pass all the jammed traffic, and then cut in.
  • Wear a large hat to the movies.
  • Always have an ulterior motive.
  • Always take the biggest piece.
  • Forget the pooper scooper when walking your dog.
  • Take cheap shots.
  • Take forever to find a word in Scrabble.
  • Cause gridlock.
  • Get up on the wrong side of bed.
  • Change your mind.
  • Glue a chip on your shoulder.
  • Put salt in sugar containers.
  • Blow out other peoples birthday candles.
  • Don’t refill the ice cube tray.
  • Ask people what they paid for their clothes.
  • Cut off people in the middle of their sentences.
  • Practice pulling the wool over people’s faces.
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