You know you’ve drank too much coffee when…

– You answer the door before people knock.

– Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.

– You ski uphill.

– You get a speeding ticket even when you’re parked.

– You speed walk in your sleep.

– You have a bumper sticker that says: “Coffee drinkers are good in  the sack.”

– You haven’t blinked since the last lunar eclipse.

– You just completed another sweater and you don’t know how to knit.

– You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.

– You sleep with your eyes open.

– You have to watch videos in fast-forward.

– The only time you’re standing still is during an earthquake.

– You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.

– You lick your coffeepot clean.

– You spend every vacation visiting “Maxwell House.”

– You’re the ’employee of the month’ at the local coffeehouse and you don’t even work there.

– You’ve worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.

– Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.

– You chew on other people’s fingernails.

– The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.

– Your T-shirt says, “Decaffeinated coffee is the devil’s blend.”

– You’re so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas.

– You can type sixty words per minute… with your feet.

– You can jump-start your car without cables.

– Cocaine is a downer.

– All your kids are named “Joe.”

– You don’t need a hammer to pound nails.

– Your only source of nutrition comes from “Sweet & Low.”

– You don’t sweat, you percolate.

– You buy Folgers by the barrel.

– You’ve worn out the handle on your favorite mug.

– You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.

– You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it’s not plugged in.

– You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.

– Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down.

– You’ve built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.

– People get dizzy just watching you.

– You’ve worn the finish off your coffee table.

– The Taster’s Choice couple wants to adopt you.

– Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.

– Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp.

– You’re so wired, you pick up AM radio.

– People can test their batteries in your ears.

– Your life’s goal is to amount to a hill of beans.

– Instant coffee takes too long.

– You channel surf faster without a remote.

– When someone says. “How are you?” Youanswer, “Good to the last drop.”

– You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can.

– You want to come back as a coffee mug in your next life.

– Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.

– You’d be willing to spend time in a Turkish prison.

– You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee.

– You’re offended when people use the word “brew” to mean beer.

– You name your cats “Cream” and “Sugar.”

– You get drunk just so you can sober up.

– You speak perfect Arabic without ever taking a lesson.

– Your Thermos is on wheels.

– Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.

– You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.

– You can outlast the Energizer bunny.

– You short out motion detectors.

– You have a conniption over spilled milk.

– You don’t even wait for the water to boil anymore.

– Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.

– You think being called a “drip” is a compliment.

– You don’t tan, you roast.

– You don’t get mad, you get steamed.

– Your three favorite things in life are… coffee before, coffee during, and coffee after.

– Your lover uses soft lights, romantic music, and a glass of iced coffee to get you in the mood.

– You can’t even remember your second cup.

– You help your dog chase its tail.

– You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.

– Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyds of London.

– You introduce your spouse as your Coffeemate.

– You think CPR stands for “Coffee Provides Resuscitation.”

– Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.


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