Thought to Get Through a Crisis ( contemplate these… )

You cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic, and then give in.

One good turn gets most of the blankets.

No matter how much I care, some people are just jackasses.

It takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion – not proof – to destroy it.

Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense. (thanks to Victor)

I’ve learned that whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

You shouldn’t compare yourself to others – they are more screwed up than you think.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

It is not what you wear; it is how you take it off.

You can keep vomiting long after you think you’re finished.

I’ve learned to not sweat the petty things, and not pet the sweaty things.

Ex-wives and Ex-husbands are like fungus, and keep coming back.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

We are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

99% of the time when something isn’t working in your house, one of your kids did it.

There is a fine line between genius and insanity.

The people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away, and the real pains in the ass are permanent.

Once over the hill, you pick up speed.

I love cooking with wine. Sometimes, I even put it in the food.

If it weren’t for stress, I’d have no energy at all.

Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

I know God won’t give me more than I can handle. I just wish He didn’t trust me so much.

Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.

We cannot change the direction of the wind, but we can adjust our sails.

Some days are a total waste of makeup.

If the shoe fits, buy it in every color.

If you’re too open minded, your brains will fall out.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.

My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

If you look like your passport picture, you definitely need the trip.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

Junk is something you’ve kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

Learn from the mistakes of others. You can’t live long enough to make them all yourself.

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

Indecision is the key to flexibility.

When you were born, you were crying and everyone around you was smiling. You should live your life so that when you die, you’re the one who is smiling and everyone around you is crying.

If you lend someone twenty dollars and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

You cannot tell which way the train went by looking at the track.

A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.

Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

Happiness is merely the remission of pain.

Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.

No one is listening until you fart.

Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when your lips are moving.

Sometimes too much drink is not enough.

The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.

The careful application of terror is also a form of communication.

Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.

Things are more like they are today than they ever have been before.

Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.

Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.

Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.

All things being equal, fat people use more soap.

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

One-seventh of your life is spent on Monday.

The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.

This is as bad as it can get, but don’t bet on it.

Never wrestle with a pig: you both get all dirty, and the pig likes it.

Any and all compliments can be handled by simply saying “Thank you,” though it helps if you say it with a Southern accent..

No books will be as good as the ones you loved as a child.

Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables: get someone else to hold them while you chop away.

Never give yourself a haircut after 3 martinis, or 3 margaritas, or 3 shots of tequila.

When baking, follow directions. When cooking, go by your own taste.

Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other, your body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming, “Woo hoo! What a ride!”

The trouble with life is you’re halfway through it before you realize it’s a “do it yourself” thing.

Always put yourself in others’ shoes. If you feel that it hurts you, it probably hurts the other person too.

The best kind of friend is the kind you can sit on a porch and swing with, never say a word, and then walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you’ve ever had.

It’s true that we don’t know what we’ve got until we lose it, and it’s true that we don’t know what we’ve been missing until it arrives.

It takes only a day to love someone, but it takes a lifetime to forget someone.

Go for someone who makes you smile because it takes only a smile to make a dark day seem bright.

The happiest of people don’t necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the best of everything that comes along their way.

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