More Stupid Criminals

Text Message

According to the Associated Press, a West Virginia man who thought he was texting his friends about his stash of weed was actually texting the state police.

The man reportedly asked if he wanted to buy some weed. He got a “Yes” response and was told the deal would go down at the local police station. Not really, but a humorist can dream.

He got charged with deliver of a controlled substance with intent to distribute and $1.50 in roaming charges for the text message. Damn you Cingular. Have you caused enough grief?

Wrong Place, Wrong Time

In other weird stash-hiding news: A man accused of possessing drug paraphernalia and stealing a car managed to find exactly the wrong place to hide the car — at the police station.

Drugs Make You Forget, That, Duh…

When an officer asks you for your license and registration, you hand it over to him, no questions asked. Don’t hand him your gun, your bong, your illegal black market baby that you paid cash for or the receipt for the illegal black market baby that you paid cash for or your drug stash.

According to the Gulf Daily News, that’s just what a Bahrainian man did.

The man was pulled over by police during a routine traffic stop. He asked the driver for his license. He pulled it out and a piece of hash was stuck to it. He claimed he had some poo in his back pocket and that he was saving it for later.

The man was arrested and admitted he had the hash-ish but forgot he had it in his wallet. He claims he meant to hide it with his cocaine.

Checked Out

here are only about three things in this world dumber than a criminal leaving behind his personal identification at the scene of a crime: trying to give your dog a bath in the dishwasher, leaving your kids with the crazy cat lady who lives at the end of the block, voting Republican.

According to The Associated Press, a bank robber in Colorado was caught after police learned he wrote his demands on the back of his own check.

Reports indicate he chose the “cute puppies” book of checks from the bank’s “Bank of Cuteness” catalogue.

He tried to black out the name on the check, so authorities couldn’t read it. Unfortunately for him, they could and took him into custody. He is reportedly seeking damages from the Sharpie company.

He also turned himself over to authorities by writing a confession on the back of the deed to his house.

Cop Out

According to Ananova, someone stole a cut out of a cop used by a supermarket to deter thieves.

Police said the cardboard cut out had been doing a good job of deterring thieves from stealing things from the store. Too bad they couldn’t get another cut out to watch the stolen cut out.

The thief didn’t break into the store or stay in after hours. He paid for his groceries, then grabbed the life size cut out and walked out with it. He got away with the cut out, but reportedly forgot to pick up some milk.

The good news is police have a suspect. They caught the thief on tape stealing the cop cut out. The cut out’s family are reportedly happy to have their father returned home safely.

911

According to NBC15 in Mississippi, police broke up a meth lab after one of the residents called 911 while he was trying to dial 411.

How the hell do you mistake 911 for 411? Sure, it’s only one number away, but a 4 doesn’t even look like a 9. If you had the phone turned upside down, you were blindfolded and had one of your eyes poked out, you could still dial 411, which is stupid because you should be calling 911 since one of your freaking eyes has been poked out.

Police didn’t get a response to the call, so they sent officers to the scene where they found the meth lab. If they had found a poet laureate or a “Catcher in the Rye” discussion group, I would have been even more surprised and maybe a little hopeful in humanity.

According to the story, the man who made the phone call was trying to get a hold of FEMA because they still have sent him a trailer after Hurricane Katrina. Well, I guess there’s two dumbasses in this story.

Mow It Like You Stole It

According to the Associated Press, police chased a man driving a lawnmower under the influence because he refused to pull over during a traffic stop.

Here’s the kicker: police chased the lawnmower…ON FOOT. The only other way police could have caught a man on foot during a car chase is if he was driving a 1982 Pinto with the optional anti-aerodynamic wind blockers on either side of the car.

A deputy tried to get him to pull over from his cruiser, but when he refused to stop, he jumped out of the car and chased the lawnmower on foot. When he caught up to the lawnmower, the driver still refused to pull over. Take a note kids, never give up.

Eventually, the deputy pulled him off the machine. The driver refused to take a field sobriety test, even though he had a case of beer taped to the front of the lawnmower. Jeff Foxworthy has reportedly asked to buy the driver’s joke rights.

 Lost Without A Map

Pop quiz, hotshot. What’s dumber than calling the local cops to ask if they have seen your stash of cocaine? How about calling federal drug enforcement officials to ask if they’ve seen your cocaine AFTER they’ve already let you go?

According to the Associated Press, that’s just what a man suspected of drug trafficking around the Canadian border did.

Here’s how it went down: Leroy Carr had been caught four times crossing the border down a known drug-smuggling trail with a GPS tracker, night vision goggles and a butt load of cash. He claims he got the money by switching his car insurance to Geico.

ICE agents wanted to talk to him but he refused, so they let him go. Then he calls them back and asks if they had seen his cocaine. He apparently stashed 68 pounds of the stuff at a Boy Scout camp and they disappeared. I’m guess ICE never found the cocaine, but somewhere there’s a group of Tenderfoots who’ve earned every merit badge in the handbook in 15 minutes.

He even asked if ICE could issue a press release saying ICE had seized the drugs so his higher-ups wouldn’t believe he snatched it. They did and they also included a note that they arrested Carr for possession with intent to distribute.

Not Without My Poo

This case has me scratching my head and checking my shoes at the same time. I find myself asking myself who would commit such a crime and what’s that smell?

According to Ananova, Chinese police are looking for someone who stole a woman’s dog poo.

Yes, you read that correctly. A thief is responsible for lifting a log, stealing some shit, pinching a loaf.

The woman told police she was standing outside a bank trying to get some money when her dog had to deposit a “Number Two” in his account. This would be a perfect moment for Capital One to sponsor our site. “What’s in your wallet?”

So she got some newspaper and let her dog do his business. She wrapped up the leavings and attempted to throw it away when a man drove up on a motorcycle, wrestled the bum blossom out of her hands and took off. Police are warning the public not to approach this man since he is considered armed and stinky.

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