Brainless Confessions

I am in love with my Sister in law, I offered her $600 dollars to sleep with me and she did, after that I told her I needed the money to pay my rent and refused to pay her, if she ever tells my wife she will leave me.

I once had to pee so badly while watching a movie at a theatre. I didnt want to miss any parts of the movie. So I peed on the floor and sat somewhere else. Luckily the theatre was almost empty!

A few months ago I was standing in line at a store with my wife. I farted, which I never do around her. There were some kids behind us and she blamed them, even giving the mom the evil eye and saying “that’s rude.”

I like to fart in elevators and then make the “Who done it?” face.

I went to visit a friend in college. Males could not leave the room unless with a female who lived in the dorm. At three in the morning I had to pee, really bad but everyone was asleep. I peed in a cup, twice. The next day I left in the afternoon only to return to the girls drinking from the cup I peed in. I asked them if they washed the cups and they said that it was alcohol from the night before. I never had the heart to tell them.

 Growing up I had a paper route. But was extremely lazy. So I would hide the newspapers around the neighborhood so I wouldn’t have to deliver them. I would only deliver papers to the people that complained so that I could get away with it week after week. If I had spent as much effort delivering them as I did trying to avoid it, I would’ve been a great paperboy!

I have horrible neighbors. They constantly leave trash in the yard that we ‘share’. After having asked them lots of times to please keep it clean with no results I finally got mad and super-glued all their trash to their door and porch. Dirty diapers, baby bottles, cans, styrofoam meat containers, broken pieces of wood… everything. I feel much better now.


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